Chloe Deslauries: A Personal Story
I recall feeling so alone, afraid, ashamed, depressed, and anxious. This place of darkness scared me but it was also the place where God met me. I am embracing my life and sharing my story of hope.
In February 2016 I had two toddlers, my Marine spouse was hardly ever home, and my family was 3,000 miles away. Life was not how I imagined it. I was feeling the pressure to be a “perfect mom.” I stopped nursing and my hormones were adjusting, something I didn’t know to expect. I started spinning out of control. I couldn’t handle everyday stresses. Things like grocery shopping, leaving the house, and my children’s tantrums were more than I could handle. I felt disconnected; my heart and mind raced uncontrollably. I started losing sleep. I was going to lose it all – myself, my kids, and my husband. All I could think was, “What is wrong with me? I can’t take care of myself let alone my children.” So many negative thoughts plagued me, “I’m not enough. I’m not strong enough. I’m not a good enough mom, wife, or friend. I don’t trust God enough.”
I was so blinded by depression. I didn’t feel God’s presence but looking back I see how His hand was in it all. I’m so thankful for the women God placed in my life. They saw I needed professional help. A wonderful doctor prayed over and with me; he told me I was suffering from delayed postpartum depression, weaning blues, situational depression, and maybe seasonal affective disorder. He gave me a treatment plan that included medication.
I started the medication but felt so much shame. I saw a holistic doctor and had blood work done, hoping to stop the medication. Surprisingly, the holistic doctor urged me to continue the medications because of my low serotonin levels. After a couple months I started to feel normal again. I focused on my relationship with God and took better care of myself. Making time for me, aside from being a mom, was a crucial part of healing. I have come to terms with being on medication and have realized this wasn’t a matter of trusting or not trusting God, but a chemical imbalance.
In 2018, we were ready for another child. At my first doctor visit, I expressed my fears about staying on medication while pregnant and am so thankful my doctor was a strong advocate for mental health. She said, “I need you to be a healthy mom, if we fail you as a mom, we’re failing the child too!” We were blessed with TRIPLETS. With God’s help and medication, I am able to enjoy being a mother of five.
Today I am in a better place mentally and I’m no longer scared of my depression. I may have to battle this depression and anxiety but I don’t have to do it alone and that gives me great peace and hope.